Twilight Paradoxisis
by RonaVexx
Summary: The Twilight Universe is threatened by idiocy, as Bella is forced to move to Sporks, Washington. Nothing more can be said, the author can't bare to give away the juicy details of Bella Swan's real story. Rated T for offense language! OH NO!
1. Kicked out of AZ, car, and flight D:

Twilight Paradoxisis

**No Romance (yet...? oooh)! If that thought offends you, then read no further. I am attempting to create fun for myself, so this is purely a random parody of Twilight. **

**I own a lovely potted plant which keeps me company when the going gets tough, but I don't own anything from Twilight & the sequels. Oh, darn. **

* * *

**Chapter One - Kicked Out of Arizona, Car, and Flight. Sad face.**

"Ma! I don't want to go! You can't make me!" Bella cried, in a sputtering southern drawl.

"Bella. Shut up for once in your life," Renee, Bella's irresponsible mother snarled at her incompetent offspring, as she drove down the road. "You know you are unwanted in my household from now on!"

"That's retarded!" Bella snapped, teenage angst dripping from every word she spoke.

"No! How dare you use the 'R' word!" Her mother said, taking offense to every syllable her daughter uttered. "This is exactly why I dislike you so much!"

"What!? You're my MAWWW, you love me unconditionally!" Protested Bella, still using her faux southern accent.

"False!" Renee stated in her outside voice, as if she were competing in a heated True or False game show. "You always utilize such derogatory slang in your every day speech. That upsets me, Bella. As does your face."

"So, you're punishing me by sending me to that god forsaken garbage dump of a town in Washington because my outer appearance offends you!?" Bella was flabbergasted!

"Yes," Renee said.

"Fine," Bella said with the same old deep southern sound she had adopted. Under her breath, Bella muttered, "Bioootch." Of course, it's pretty hard to silently say 'bioootch' just because that word requires a lot of emphasis and inflection, especially with a southern accent. Due to that, Renee heard the insult with ease.

"That's it!" Renee screamed, while simultaneously slamming on the breaks. "I am absolutely fed up with your heinous vocabulary, and that stupid accent makes it ten times worse! What are you trying to prove, you moron child? Surely staying with your boring father will help to exorcise the demons from your voice box!"

With that, Renee grabbed a road map from the glove compartment and started smacking Bella in the face, in hopes that this would somehow cure her daughter's maladies. Bella hardly flinched as she distracted herself from the violence by dabbling in her thoughts.

Bella knew what was really going on. She could read between the lines. Phil, Renee's new husband, was the leader of the most notorious, brain-washing cult to ever exist. Ever since he became Bella's step-father, Phil insisted that Renee shove the adolescent "Satan-loving" girl off a cliff.

Renee couldn't justify murder in this situation, but figured sending her daughter to live in a deplorable location, such as Sporks, Washington, with her ex-husband, Charlie, would be worse than death. Bella agreed.

The airport in Pheonix was bustling when Renee and Bella arrived. Speeding was the 8th deadly sin in Phil's book, so Renee had to drive at Grandma-pace.

"God, we're FINALLY here," Bella said with mock impatience. She was being so facetious today!

"I already said I had enough, young lady!" Renee scolded in a thunderous tone, louder than the screams of tortured vocalists that belong to many Emo bands at local shows where the speakers are blasting literally one inch away from your ear, and it's absolutely dreadful. Ugh. Bad times. Anyway…

Renee continued to harass Bella, and showed no signs of stopping. "I hate you! Je te deteste! If I knew any other languages besides English and French, you can imagine I would insult you just the same using those dialects, too! Now get the hell out of my moving vehicle!"

"Wha-" Before Bella could protest further, she was being "assisted" out of the grandma-paced automobile. In one fell swoop, Renee kicked open the passenger side door with one foot, kicked Bella out of the car with her other foot, and kicked out all of Bella's luggage with a third foot that miraculously appeared from thin air! She managed to do all of this, and remain driving at her old geezer speed without even veering around the road at strange, jerky angles.

Bella sighed, and wished she had at least been wearing her seatbelt. First of all, she knew that since this story is available for the public, road safety should be promoted. But also, because the whole getting "kicked out" _literally _thing could've been avoided.

* * *

Nothing exciting happened on Bella's flight, albeit that fact that she decided to take a nap and got attacked for it. That's right - Bella peacefully slumbered and accidentally began talking in her sleep. She was jarred awake after a piercing slap to the face.

"Bitch, this will keep you in your place!" The graying flight attendant croaked as she slapped Bella again. "Stop disturbing the peace!"

"Get away from me, ya old hag!" Bella said, and clocked the old woman flight attendant right in the noggin.

"I know you're out to get my job, Bella! But, I'm prepared to defend my life's work with every ounce of energy I possess!" The flight attendant announced, and pulled out a switchblade. Various passengers gasped when they spotted the weapon. Bella's eyes widened in shock, not because her life was threatened, but because the stewardess knew her name!!

The flight attendant slowly encroached upon the little space left between the two. With her knife raised like a crazed serial-killer about to pounce on her prey, Bella leapt up and was able to release her chainsaw from the confines of the overhead compartment. Upon spotting the chainsaw, the old woman flight attendant was not amused. To express this, her face contorted into a frown. Bella ignored the disapproval of everyone around her, and revved the chainsaw to life.

The fight didn't last long, and Bella made quick work of the flight attendant because chainsaws far overpower switchblades, just like paper far overpowers rock.

Mere seconds passed when the icky smell of blood met the nostrils of Bella, bringing the girl to her knees. She was unconscious for the remainder of the flight.

* * *

Bella awoke hours later to find herself lying on a stone cold concrete sidewalk. She was sprawled across the pavement, bags strewn about randomly nearby. Pain emanated from her entire being, and Bella could only assume she had been thrown from the airborne plane for committing flight attendant-abuse. Getting kicked out of two moving vehicles in one day sure sucked - and hurt a lot.

"Bella!" Rumbled a low, mysterious voice that sent a shiver down the girl's spine. A mysterious figure, mysteriously cloaked in black, mysteriously emerged from a mysterious location! Bella did not know who this was - everything about him was shrouded in mystery!! "Bella, there is something I need to tell you…"

* * *

**Chapter Two (come to think of it... so is chapter three... me no life) is written and ready to go. I will post it if this story is generally accepted by the masses. **


	2. Welcome to Sporks

**A bit of a short chapter. Short but sweet. **

* * *

Chapter Two: Welcome to Sporks

"Bella… Bella!…Bellla?……Bella!!… BEEEEEELLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAA!" The mysterious voice droned on, attempting to add unnecessary drama to the situation. The mysterious voice failed miserably.

"Your success at being dramatic does not exist… so, stop," Bella's succinct analysis caused the mysterious voice to become sad and in turn, mope around like a depressed reject. "Can you just tell me whatever it was that was sooo important from the last chapter?"

The mysterious voice gazed at Bella, then, in a barely audible whisper, "Bella… I… am… your… FATHER!!" The mysterious voice stepped into the light, and Bella clearly recognized Charlie's features. Her father suddenly whipped out a gun from it's holster on his "police utility belt" or whatever the hell Charlie, the failure of a police chief, wore. He pointed it from side to side as if he were James Bond, ready to shoot if need be. "Is anybody following you!?"

"…no," Bella said, then sighed in annoyance.

"Oh." Charlie re-holstered his dangerous gun. Then, in an extremely monotone voice, Charlie said, "Well, this sure is exciting. Let's get your stuff in the car and go home, mmkay? I made some pancakes as a 'Welcome to Sporks' present."

The thought of pancakes made Bella incredibly angry. So, Bella snarled at her father threateningly, causing him to whimper.

"Pancakes? A present?" Bella asked evilly.

"Why, yes," Charlie replied, undeterred. "Whad'ya expect? A vehicle of some kind?"

"Yes…"

"Yeah right!" Charlie scoffed. "Don't worry, Bells. Pancakes equal love!" Charlie could no longer hold in his excitement and began to twirl around his police cruiser like a happy little ballerina. Bella didn't even bother to figure out what he was doing, and instead loaded her bags into the back of the car. After the last bag had been stowed away, Charlie ceased twirling, and they got in the car.

"Thanks for your help, dad," Bella, in a huffy mood, said sarcastically.

"Hey, I'm new at this, okay? I'm trying, though!" Charlie said, adopting what was seemingly a caring parent's tone.

"Yeah, alright," Bella knew Charlie was being sincere… or at least she thought he was… his next statement completely withdrew any attempt at creating an emotional connection with his daughter -

"I sensed your sadness and thought my beautiful dance would lift your spirits!" Charlie mused, an insurmountable level of glee in his voice.

"Well, it didn't help and it made me realize that you are a gay, GAY man," she spat.

"Oh, shut up, Bella. You cannot ruin my mood because the pancakes that await in my domain erase all of your negativity!"

Bella cringed, peering out the passenger side window. The rain droplets on the glass mirrored her tears.

* * *

**In the next chapter, the plot actually goes somewhere! Maybe… I already wrote it, but kinks need to be ironed out. See you soon, darlings.**


	3. Lunch Table of Jealousy

**Gee, sorry I didn't update... but I have a life that I like living. Gawd.**

**Anyway, who really cares. Here's something exciting for you to know before reading further:**

**This story was published on 4-20-08. hahaha. No wonder it's so messed up! Not saying that I'm a pot head or anything... but if I was, it would just make sense, amiright? ahem...**

**disclaimer! I own a pair of broken sunglasses because I'm too lazy to put them in a glasses case, which I also own but obviously don't use. I own nothing else. For instance, everything in this story... not mine!**

* * *

**Chapter Three: The Lunch Table of Jealousy**

"Go to school, you dumb bitch!" Charlie screamed right into his daughter's ear. It was the morning before Bella's first day of school, and she was already ready to go. "Or… if you don't go to school, you'll become a dumb bitch!" Charlie giggled at his own, idiotic joke.

Bella ignored her dad. Instead, she approached the platter of pancakes, and shoveled two golden brown discs onto her plate. (Such a dramatic way to say 'she grabbed breakfast,' eh?) As Bella took her place at the table, Charlie threw several kitchen utensils in the general direction of her face. He missed her completely, but caught her attention nonetheless.

"Are you _trying _to kill me!?" Bella cried, failing to recognize the obvious.

"Yes," Charlie stated, matter-of-factly. "Are you deliberately eating my pancakes?"

"Yes -" Before Bella could finish her thought, Charlie pranced over and spit on her pancakes. "Ew. Take them back!"

"Okay," Charlie took back his pancakes, a stupid smirk spreading across his face. He ate them. Bella became depressed.

"Stop trying to get attention by being depressed and GO TO SCHOOL!" Charlie demanded.

"Okay."

So, Bella went to school.

* * *

At school, Bella met an annoying girl named Jessica. Jessica's voice was equivalent to the grating of metal on metal. As irritating as that was, Bella didn't want to look like a freak walking alone, so she forced Jessica to be her friend.

"If you don't pretend to be my friend, I'll break into your house at night and pluck out all of your eyeballs!" Bella whispered to Jessica at the end of class.

"Uh, okay," Jessica agreed, but studied Bella with a raised eyebrow. "So, let's go to lunch?"

"Mmkay."

* * *

Jessica led Bella to her lunch table, where a bunch of random peoples already sat. Bella realized she had no interest in these mere mortals that Jessica was introducing her to, as her attention had been captured by a group of five amazingly attractive individuals at a table across the room.

"Wow, I hate you people, bye!" Bella sneered and skipped away.

"What?" Jessica was confused, but decided to forget about it. Instead, she began to dance with her lovely friends Angela and Lauren because dancing, according to the three of them, was fun.

Meanwhile, Bella approached the lunch table of the attractive peoples. As she stepped closer, five pairs of golden eyes stared in her direction curiously.

"Hello, friends!" Bella greeted them warmly, "I was just wondering if -"

"You could sit with us?" The black haired girl said, finishing Bella's sentence.

"Uh, yeah," Bella continued, "My name is-"

"Bella…" The black haired girl interrupted again. Usually, Bella would've been frightened by the notion that a stranger knew her name. But, she remembered that the flight attendant she had battled with only days before also randomly knew her name. How strange! Bella tried to explain her situation to the hot people sitting before her, but good ol' Blackie kept interrupting.

"Right… I just moved here from-"

"Pheonix, Arizona-"

"to live with-"

"my dad, Charlie-"

"Well, my dad Charlie. Not yours. I mean, unless you're a love child of his..."

"No. You have 0 siblings."

"Okay. Well, can I-"

"Sit here? No. Go away."

"Wow, you're-"

"Incredibly Annoying," the black haired girl finished the statement yet again.

"Yeah!" Bella was amazed at this point and asked, "Hey, are you one of them new fangled psychics!?"

"Well, actually I am, and my name is Alice, by the way. You know, we don't want the author to have to keep referring to me as 'the black haired girl!'" Alice chuckled. No one else laughed because it wasn't really that funny. This made Alice sad, even though she had predicted that her joke would be boring and stale. She continued, "Anyway, yeah. Everyone in Sporks knows everything about you already. That's what happens when you move to a hick town, so none of my info was really based on any visions."

"Oh, I see," Bella said, slightly disturbed.

"Yeah. Everyone in this cafeteria knows your birthday is in September. They know that the last four digits of your social security number are 6439. And, they know you only have eleven toes!" Alice explained.

"Woah! That's so gross! _Only _eleven toes!? Wait no… I don't have eleven toes!" Bella said, quickly taking off her shoes and socks to confirm that there would only be ten toes to find. But, when Bella glanced back to the table, all five gorgeous, golden-eyed peeps were gone!

"Golly gee whiz," Bella muttered, then went to join Jessica and the other girls as they bumped and grinded (or ground? whichever you prefer) back at the terrible lunch table where they accepted Bella and gave her a seat.


	4. Attractive Boy in Bio

Chapter 4 – Attractive Boy in Bio

**Originally chaps 4 & 5 were joined as one! But then, they got divorced because they were both a page each, and it was just too much for everyone to handle. Especially me. **

**So… here's chap 4 – shortened for your sake. ANNND, just in time for Friday (technically Saturday at 12AM), because we all know what happens on that day.**

**I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense. I wrote it at 4AM one day. Actually, what do I care? haaaaaaaaaaaa**

Chapter 4 – Attractive Boy in Bio!!

Bella sulked into Biology class, rejection lingered as her current emotion. Not even gonna lie, her current facebook status read, "Bella Swan is REJECTED by hawt ppl at beautiful lunch table!! Some1 make me pizza, haha jk!!" Bella was the type that liked to make up inside jokes with fake people to make herself look cool to all of her friends on the popular social networking site. What a loser! Back to the real story…

Dancing during lunch had boosted Bella's level of endorphins, but that quickly disappeared upon entering the Bio classroom. Due to the fact that Biology is the absolute worst class in the existence of man-kind, Bella felt TERRIBLE. Why, she felt worse than when she'd been rejected at lunch. This was definitely her low point of the day.

Mike, a retard from Jessica's dancing lunch table, followed Bella the whole way to class like a sick puppy waiting for a medicinal treat. Unfortunately, since Mike was actually a human, he held the power of speech. So, he talked Bella's ear off during their walk through the halls, though she didn't comprehend a single word of it since the only language Mike knew was Cantonese.

"Hello, new student named Bella," chirped the biology teacher, Professor Binns, a ghost from Hogwarts. He moved to Sporks recently because he was sick of England.

The entire class turned their attention to Bella as she entered the class. They repeated the same greeting in unison, "Hello, new student named Bella." Even Mike tried to say it, but he couldn't because he is not an English speaker. Plus, the idiot didn't really need to greet Bella, since he'd just spent the past twenty minutes in her presence.

Bella couldn't help but notice that the only person in the entire room that was not thrilled to see her was one of the golden-eyed peeps from the lunch room that had rejected her!

"Bella, go sit by Edward. He's the really attractive boy with golden eyes and bronze hair that so obviously hates you because he's not thrilled to see you unlike everyone else in this god-forsaken town!" Professor Binns said, "And then shut up, because I need to lecture about Punnett squares… the only thing the author remembers from her own biology class that actually makes sense."

Professor Binns spent the remainder of the class on the topic of genes. It was so boring, so Bella didn't pay attention. Instead, she paid attention to Edward because he was hot and not boring. Though, the golden-eyed boy was offending her because he was sitting on the edge of his chair, trying to stay far far away from Bella.

Suddenly, Edward fell off his seat! He'd been leaning a little too far.

"Ahhhh!" He screamed as he crashed into the floor with a non-human _clunk_. Edward scrambled back into the chair and Bella snickered. In the back of her mind, she knew there was something wrong with the noise Edward made upon impact with the ground.

"You are a vampire, aren't you!?" Bella gasped, when the absolute first non-human creature popped into her head.

"Uh, yeah, how'd you know?"

"Wild guess…" Bella shrugged. "That's so cool!"

"Shut up, children!" Professor Binns roared. So, they did.


End file.
